Down by the Timberline I Took These Thoughts of Mine Get It Straight and Head Back Home Again
Permit's be honest, sometimes people die who you…well…hated. That sounds really harsh, but sometimes it's truthful. Or even if you didn'thatethe person, peradventure you lot really didn't like them…or you lot had a love/hate relationship…or you lot found them very difficult…or your relationship with them was difficult. There are a number of ways this tin play out, but the fact is that everyone dies, even people you lot weren't very fond of. That tin can exit you grieving someone yous didn't like.
The reasons why yous may have had a difficult relationship are endless. Perchance they were hateful or hurtful; perhaps they were violent or abusive; they could take been toxic or emotionally manipulative; mayhap they betrayed you lot or someone yous dearest. I could go on and on and on. No affair what the specific situation, grieving someone yous didn't like can leave you lot feeling isolated and confused.
People talk all the time about losing someone they deeply loved and cared for. As for grieving someone you had negative feelings towards, people don't talk as much nigh that. We go it, information technology feels weird to sort through feelings about the death of someone you didn't like and information technology can feel even weirder to talk about it. And so, today we're going to talk nearly some of the circumstances that are unique to grieving someone you lot didn't like. And then nosotros're going to answer some of the questions that come up up in those situations and talk about how to cope. Set? Okay, skilful.
6 Reasons why the death of someone yous didn't like tin cause complicated grief emotions:
You're not sure if what you're feeling is grief.
If we understand grief equally a natural reaction to loss, you may be thinking that it isn't a "loss" that this person isn't in your world anymore. You might recollect if you didn't like or want them in your life, it can't be grief. This can go out you confused nearly how to categorize the feelings and isolated in discussing the emotions. Bank check out our definition of grief here for more.
You lot are relieved and happy about the death.
Or, you're at least non pitiful about it. In circumstances when your physical or emotional safety (or that of someone you love) was at risk because of the person who died, you lot may be feeling an immense sense of relief that your safety is no longer in jeopardy. At the same time, you may also exist feeling some guilt that you're relieved or happy or not pitiful. Like we said, information technology'southward complicated. Luckily we have a whole mail on feeling relief in grief
Other people are not relieved, happy, or not sad.
Sometimes you have a bad or complicated relationship with someone, only other people in your life don't. Later on that person dies, you may exist left to sort through complicated negative feelings, while others piece of work through more traditional grief feelings. This disconnect can go out you feeling isolated and solitary, and also ill-equipped to back up your grieving family and friends.
You thought your relationship with them might somewhen get ameliorate.
This idea might take been conscious or it might have been subconscious. Either mode, when someone dies who you didn't like it isn't uncommon to suddenly feel the weight of the reality that you know volition never get an amends, accept a take chances to apologize, or accept a hazard for the relationship to alter and ameliorate. Even if those were things you never consciously wanted, knowing they are no longer fifty-fifty an selection can exist difficult.
Your grief isn't validated past others.
If people in your life knew you didn't get along with this person, that you had a strained relationship, or had a falling out, people may minimize the validity of your feelings. That is a little thing known equally disenfranchised grief. You may still be having intense grief feelings, despite that bitter divorce, painful custody battle, or even history of corruption. People effectually you lot might be saying, what do you have to exist upset almost?!? You hated him and hadn't talked to him for years!
Expiry doesn't bring closure.
You may have imagined that all those complicated feelings would somehow get resolved once the person died or was completely out of your life. Simply there is a adept take a chance the complicated emotions are still there, even though the person isn't. You wouldn't be the beginning or the concluding. The reality is the pain of a difficult relationship doesn't die just because a person has died.
half dozen means to understand and cope with these complicated feelings.
Remind yourself y'all accept the right to grieve.
When someone is removed physically from our lives there is an impact, no matter how nosotros felt about them. Information technology changes the relationship, and it can impact our agreement of the past and the futurity. Fifty-fifty if the hole left in your life is a hole you believed you always wanted, that doesn't modify its emotional bear on. You tin deeply miss someone yous had a really complicated human relationship with, so give yourself permission. The man middle is funny that style.
Remember that it is okay to experience relief.
If y'all feel guilty that you're relieved, happy, or non sad about a death, let's think through the feelings. What you are relieved or happy about is that you are now safety and no longer fearful. This is unlike than being glad someone has died. If there were another possible way for you to feel rubber, you would probable have wished that to be the upshot. For more on this, check out our post nearly relief.
For better or worse, relationships go along afterward someone dies.
If y'all had a good relationship with someone, that tin often proceed through good memories and carrying on their legacy. If you had a complicated human relationship it often remains, well, complicated! You may have imagined a person'south decease would make yous experience better or resolve some of the feelings y'all were having. In some cases that's true, only in some cases information technology isn't. You lot may find you still need to carry on efforts to explore your own feelings most the person or find means to forgive (keeping in listen that foregiveness is not about saying someone'due south behavior was okay!). You lot can read more about forgiveness here.
Communicate about the entire relationship, the good and the bad.
The old saying "don't speak sick of the dead" can, unfortunately, make people feel like they take to proceed their mouths close nigh the bug in a relationship after the person has died. Nosotros're here to say, information technology's okay to keep processing and talking virtually these issues if you need to, you may just desire to choose your audience wisely. Depending on your state of affairs, friends or family may not be the best people to support these types of conversations. If that is the case, a grief advisor or back up group might be helpful. What isn't helpful is avoiding, stuffing, or ignoring the complicated emotions and memories.
Realize you lot may exist grieving the relationship you wished you had.
We all accept ideas about what a mom or dad or friend or spouse or child is "supposed" to be. Unfortunately, what we want a relationship to be is non e'er what it is. Who we desire a person to be is non always who they are. If you are struggling to understand your own complicated emotions nearly the death, consider that you may be feeling grief effectually not having had the [mom/dad/husband/wife/friend/child] you wanted or needed.
It is still possible to finish 'business concern'.
When grieving someone you didn't similar, or with whom y'all had a complicated relationship, there can be a feeling that any "unfinished business" volition at present have to be left unfinished. It may not go finished in the fashion y'all imagined when that person was alive (if you were planning for a direct chat, plain that just isn't going to happen). Y'all can still find ways to say the things you wanted to say. That could be in the form of a journal, letter to the person who died, artistic expression, or with a therapist.
Consider all the means the human relationship has impacted you.
Though many of these may be negative and painful, you lot may too see ways yous grew from the strains in the relationship. It may be in your ain delivery to not being similar that person or it may exist in your growth and avoidance of other negative or toxic relationships. Information technology may even be in your ability to find forgiveness or empathy in an impossible situation. Whatever it is, take some time to appreciate yourself and your own growth. This is not beingness grateful to the person or for the injure or problems they acquired, simply taking the fourth dimension to give yourself credit for the growth that tin come up from adversity.
What are your thoughts on grieving someone you lot didn't like, or who yous had a difficult relationship with? Leave a comment to permit united states know!
Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-someone-you-didnt-like/